An untold tale from the Diary of Dr Daniel Jackson
All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
This story is rated PG13 and was written as part of the 1,000 word challenge on the H/C list. The story had to include a minor injury to one team member inflicted accidentally by another in bizarre circumstances. Hopefully you'll find it funny, but as is often the case with the bits I steal from Daniel's diary, there is gratuitous nudity. The dear boy seems to have terrible problems staying in his clothes for some reason<eg>.
Thanks to Ellen for beta reading.
Jack O'Neill poured himself a coffee and slumped sullenly behind his desk. Life sucked! For one thing he was covering for Hammond, who was attending an all-expenses paid conference in the Bahamas. The Bahamas for crying out loud! What he wouldn't do to trade places on that mission!
But worse, he had some head-up-his-backside bean counter hassling him to cut half a percent off the housekeeping budget. Jack swore. Housekeeping budget! Sounded like a goddamn hotel not a military installation. Besides, it cost millions to run the SGC. In the grand scheme of things did it really matter how much pie people ate?!
Jack glared at the figures in front of him again. Wait! What was this listed under laundry expenses. Tide? Wasn't that a brand name detergent? A surge of triumph raced through him as he the solution to his problem became obvious. Now if he could authorise himself a trip to the Bahamas…
Two weeks later.
"Welcome back, folks!" George Hammond wrinkled his nose as SG1 moved down the ramp towards him. "What is that smell?!"
"That'll be Daniel, Sir," Jack replied with a smirk. "He got a little bit too friendly with some local wildlife."
Hammond stepped back as Jackson approached, bringing a strong and distinctly unpleasant aroma with him.
Daniel grimaced. "How was I supposed to know they spat…" Lost for a suitable description, Daniel waved a hand at the thick yellow mucus that coated his uniform and matted his hair. "Besides - this is Teal'c's fault!"
The Jaffa raised an eyebrow. "I was concerned for your welfare, Daniel Jackson. If I had known charging my staff weapon would cause such a reaction…"
"Right!" Daniel said. "Like Jack hadn't just mentioned they resembled llamas!" He glared at both men.
Hammond shook his head in quiet amusement at the innocence on O'Neill's face. "SG1 - debrief as soon as Dr Fraiser clears you. And Dr Jackson - you have my permission to hit the showers first."
"Thank you!" Daniel muttered sourly.
It took Daniel five attempts to get the foul-smelling mucus out of his hair, by which time he'd emptied the bottle of shampoo Sam had lent him.
Drying quickly he shrugged into a clean set of clothes, fresh from the laundry. No doubt the staff down there would be less then thrilled with his latest exploit. Still, he'd have to worry about that later. For now, Janet would be wondering where he'd got to.
He'd barely gotten ten yards down the corridor when he became aware of a strange sensation on his shoulders. Irritably he rubbed at them. Oh-oh! Not a good idea. The sensation exploded into an agonising itching. And worse - it was spreading down his back and round onto his chest. Desperately trying not to scratch, Daniel picked up his pace.
By the time he reached the infirmary the itching had moved into full-blown torture. Hollering for Janet he raced past his team-mates, shedding clothes as he went. Reaching his usual bed, he hastily pulled the curtains before letting go of all pretence at modesty.
Janet was seconds behind him. As she burst into the cubicle her eyes widened at the sight of an almost naked Daniel desperately rubbing at his arms and legs - every inch of him covered in angry red welts.
"Janet! Do something!" Daniel begged.
"Calamine!" she said. "I'll be right back."
"Janet?" Jack asked in concern as she headed to a cabinet.
"Looks like a severe allergic reaction, Colonel. I'm sure he'll be fine just as soon as…" Janet grabbed a large bottle of pink lotion and a sponge. She spun round and beckoned a young woman over. "Nurse Ellen, cover Dr Jackson with this please. I'll get some anti-histamine."
Looking like she'd just won the lottery, the nurse headed off with the bottle. As she stepped behind Daniel's curtains, a distressed groan that had nothing to do with physical discomfort echoed through the infirmary.
Armed with a large syringe, Janet side-stepped O'Neill. "Daniel will be fine," she reassured him. "Go and debrief while I calm Daniel down and run some tests."
When SG1 returned, Daniel's bed was still curtained. Warned by Janet that Daniel couldn't bear anything against his skin, Sam hesitated outside his sanctuary.
Jack and Teal'c however barged through, Jack giving the archaeologist a wry smile. "Hello!"
Daniel opened one eye wearily. "Anti-histamine," he slurred. "Big, big dose."
Jack nodded sympathetically. Daniel's usual brand didn't make him drowsy, but the infirmary emergency supply virtually knocked him out. Jack's sympathy didn't last long though as he surveyed Daniel's calamine-coated skin.
"You know you look like one of those bald, naked guys from PJ2455. Well - apart from the bald part."
"Janet figure what caused it?" Jack asked. "The llama spit, right?" He raised an eyebrow at Teal'c, who shifted uncomfortably beside him.
A female voice spoke from behind him. "Actually," Janet said. "Daniel was the victim of a rather unusual combination of events. Seems someone changed the SGC wash powder."
"Yes, Jack!" Daniel murmured.
"Which on it's own wouldn't have caused a reaction…." Janet continued.
"But combined with the spit, right?" Jack asked, squirming under Daniel's accusing gaze.
"Well yes and no," Janet said. "Actually it was the wash powder, the animal spit and… a certain extract in Daniel's shampoo."
"Shampoo?" Sam's alarmed voice sounded through the curtain.
"Yes, Sam," Daniel called. "The shampoo *you* gave me."
Jack pulled an embarrassed face. "Nothing like team work, huh? Guess we owe you."
Daniel nodded. "You can make it up to me though."
"Yes?" Three voices eagerly chorused as one.
Daniel nodded towards a sealed bag at the end of his bed. "The laundry won't touch my uniform because it needs hand-washing with soap flakes." He smiled wryly. "So if one of you could... Guys? Where are you going? Guys?"
Daniel sighed and leaned into his pillow, succumbing to the tug of the anti-histamine, the sound of voices heading towards the infirmary door drifting into his dreams.
"Don't look at me just 'cos I'm the girl!"
"O'Neill, you did encourage me to charge my staff weapon. Therefore I should not have to…"
"For crying out loud! Do I look like a washerwoman?!"
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