An untold tale from the Diary of Dr Daniel Jackson
All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
This story is rated PG - so if you haven't asked Mom or Dad for permission and you are under 13 - scoot!
And just for a change, it fits in the category of humour - a little bit of silliness to celebrate the summer - although there is of course some Daniel whumping and a fair amount of... well let's be honest here - gratuitous nakedness.
OK - why this story? Well a bunch of us were wondering why Daniel hit the ground really fast when Jack had a weapon in his hand and was about to open fire in a recent episode. So here is the reason - Daniel learned the hard way to duck! As for the embarrassment factor for our dear anthropologist - well you'll have to ask the person to whom this story is dedicated - Dee Tervo <eg>.
Well, if Jack O'Neill is going to retire to Kinthia's planet I think I might retire here. The weather is perfect. The place is stuffed full of ancient buildings, their walls covered from floor to ceiling in text that is just begging to be translated. It's a linguist's paradise. And the people are warm and friendly - eager to share all they have with us. If only every trip through the Stargate could be so pleasant.
Daniel Jackson strolled through the village enjoying the warmth of the sun on his bare back. It wasn't often that a planet afforded SG1 with an opportunity to kick back on a mission, but this time they could. No goa'uld threat. No hostile natives. Just a warm welcome and perfect weather. It hadn't taken Daniel long to find an excuse to shrug off the starchy fatigues he usually wore and slip into a pair of well-worn shorts that he had sneaked into his pack just before they left the SGC. Today he intended to tackle a translation of the text on one of the outer walls of the ruined temple located a thirty minute walk from the village.
Of course he would be accompanied by at least six small children which could make life a little difficult. The Holovians didn't seem to have any concept of contraception - families of ten or more were the norm and while it would be unfair to accuse them of letting their children run wild, the amount of freedom given to even young children seemed liberal to SG1. However, looking at the small group that accompanied him now, Daniel couldn't help but smile. Healthy, intelligent faces grinned back at him. Faces that didn't know fear - a precious commodity, Daniel noted to himself as a small hand folded itself into his.
"Jack!" Daniel caught sight of O'Neill stepping out of one of the local homes.
O'Neill blinked in the sunlight, fumbled in his pocket for his sunglasses and then beckoned Daniel over. "Going native on us?" His shaded glance took in the anthropologist's attire. Daniel had clearly spent the previous day dressed in a similar fashion judging by the healthy golden sheen his skin already bore. O'Neill was sure the young man's hair had turned several shades lighter too.
Daniel merely grinned at O'Neill's comment, and pointed at the tube-like device in O'Neill's hand. "What's that?"
"A thorn pipe." O'Neill lifted the device so Daniel could get a better look. "Well actually it has some long complicated name, but thorn pipe will do."
"A weapon?" Daniel frowned. "I didn't think the Halovians had any."
"They use them for protecting against some sort of animal that sounds remarkably like bear." He glanced back at the pipe. "They don't really see them as weapons. More as tools. It's really neat. Come on, I'll show you."
"Jack, I was about to..."
"Five minutes, Daniel. Come on humour me. I've been practising. Covan says that I might be a fair shot given a few more years."
Daniel laughed at the colonel's dry humour. Covan was the son of one of the Halovian leaders. A young lad not dissimilar to Ska'ra in age. It had been good to see Jack relaxing in his company and tolerating the boy's gentle teasing about Jack's wrestling abilities.
"OK. Five minutes, Then I'm off to the ruins. We've only got two more days and I want to get as much of the basic translation work finished as possible."
"Well I'm glad to see your attitude to work isn't as relaxed as your attitude to uniform," O'Neill snorted as he followed Daniel and his train of children.
They moved out towards a clearing at one edge of the village. The inevitable gaggle of children following them. As they walked Jack explained the weapon. "They gather these thorns from a particular plant, fix them into these slots here and then tighten this spring. It's really quite sophisticated."
Daniel nodded politely, his mind already on the translation work ahead of him.
As they reached the clearing they found Carter and Teal'c already present. Each armed with a thorn pipe, and firing diligently at a distant target.
"Colonel! Daniel! This is harder then it looks." Carter greeted them.
"You allow yourself to be distracted by the children, Major Carter." Teal'c commented.
Carter smiled. "Well they are a little difficult to ignore." Her eyes took in the two dozen that followed Teal'c everywhere, fascinated by his dark skin and the golden tattoo on his head.
"You want to try?" Carter held out her pipe to Daniel.
The anthropologist shook his head. "No. I've just come to let Jack show off before I head over to the ruins."
Carter grinned as O'Neill quickly retorted. "I wasn't trying to show off. I thought you'd be interested. Hunting and tools and all. That does come under anthropology doesn't it?"
"Yes." Daniel conceded unable to keep the impatience, good-humoured though it was, from his voice. "So can we get on with the show?"
A loud growl from the trees shattered the merriment. Instantly the children gathered into a tight knot behind the four adults, their faces showing curiosity rather than fear. The implicit trust in the adults with them wasn't lost on SG1 as all four of them realised they were unarmed except for the thorn pipes, two of which were unloaded.
The growling increased in volume. Barely ten feet from the small group a huge black animal reared up from the undergrowth. O'Neill caught a glimpse of teeth and claws.
"Everybody down," he yelled lifting the thorn pipe. Instantly Teal'c and Carter hit the deck. Daniel however, his mind relaxed by several days of peace and more than half of it already at work on the translation, turned to look at the bear. In one horrifying instant O'Neill realised the anthropologist was directly in his line of sight. Too late! His finger twitched over the temperamental trigger of the alien weapon and a volley of thorns shot out of the end of the pipe.
At almost the same moment Covan appeared. He sprinted across the open ground to the small group, gathering up a handful of small pebbles as he did so. With surprising strength he launched the missiles at the creature, catching it soundly on the snout. The bear roared loudly and then lurched away into the forest.
Daniel's sharp intake of air slapped O'Neill like a physical blow. The anthropologist turned, his eyes wide in surprise. "Jack?" And then he slumped to his knees, the surprise quickly washed away by a look of pain. "Oh God!" Daniel fell face down in the dirt, his face contorted in agony.
Carter was by his side in an instant, quickly assessing his injuries. He'd been hit full on by the what seemed to be the entire contents of the pipe. Blood was flowing freely from a several small puncture wounds visible on his lower back and upper legs, but it seemed that the majority of the thorns had found a much softer target. The pale blue denim of his shorts was beginning to stain crimson red at an alarming rate. "Daniel, we've got to get these thorns out and stop the bleeding. Hold still."
"God, it hurts!" Daniel choked out the words, his fingers clawing into the soft dirt.
Carter slipped her hands under the prone anthropologist, her fingers fumbling with the metal button of his shorts.
Despite the burning agony that was creeping up his body, Daniel felt Carter's hands beneath him. "What are you doing?" he groaned, his mind and body slipping slowly towards shock.
"Hold still!" Carter repeated. "Gotta get these shorts off."
"What!" Daniel tried to inch away from Carter. She snagged the waistband at the back of his shorts with one hand, preventing any further forward movement, her face determined. "Don't go all coy on me, Daniel. I've seen your butt before."
"You... You have?" Daniel couldn't quite believe he was having this conversation, but anything was preferable to thinking about the pain that was now tightening its grip on him. "W...when?"
"When you were in the..." Carter shook her head. Now was not to the time to get into that particular conversation. "Never mind! Now hold still!"
The sound of tearing fabric jerked Jack O'Neill from the shocked position in which he was standing. Dropping the empty thorn pipe, he ran to Daniel's side. Covan had already beaten him to it. He was standing over Daniel shaking his head sadly from side to side.
O'Neill collapsed to his knees at Daniel's side. "Daniel! God! I'm sorry. You were right in ..."
Daniel grasped one of O'Neill's arms, his fingers gripping tight as the pain notched a degree higher. "Get them out!" He ground the words out between clenched teeth, cutting off O'Neill's apology.
O'Neill glanced at Covan. "Tell me these weren't poisoned!"
Covan shook his head. "No. We don't poison practice thorns. But they have some natural irritant in them. Your friend will be in pain for some time."
"We need a medkit, Sir." Carter had finally succeeded in stripping Daniel. She frowned. "The thorns are completely embedded - getting them out is going to be..."
"Please!" Daniel groaned. "Do something!"
"I will get the medkit!" Teal'c took a step away but Covan's next words caused him to halt.
"No. Attempting to remove the thorns will only hurt him more. They will come out of their own accord. You simply need to leave the affected area..." Covan looked down at the stricken anthropologist and then, his face turning a delicate shade of red he continued. "...uncovered to the light."
"Oh God!" Daniel groaned even louder. "Please tell me he didn't say what I think he just said."
"Oh boy!" Carter picked up Daniel's blood-soaked boxers. She looked up at O'Neill. "So what do we do now, Sir?"
O'Neill rubbed his eyes, trying to cope with the fact that he was responsible for one of his team being injured. "Janet! We get him back to Janet!"
All three members of SG1 looked down at Daniel with sympathy as he folded his arms over his head and groaned louder than ever.
Frasier shook her head in disbelief as Teal'c carried Daniel Jackson into the infirmary and laid him gently on the nearest bed. He was wrapped in a coarse woollen blanket which she quickly removed.
"Oh!" She blinked as she realised he was naked, momentarily caught by surprise. Almost immediately, however, her professionalism was back in place. Reaching for the curtains she enclosed the treatment area and ushered the rest of SG1 outside Daniel's sanctuary. Whatever had happened didn't appear to be life threatening, although judging from the amount of groans Daniel was indulging in he was clearly in considerable pain.
Inspecting his wounds closely, and noting that each one seemed to have some sort of thorn deeply imbedded in it, Frasier satisfied herself that Daniel wasn't about to flat-line on her. Stepping outside the curtain she barked orders to one of the nurses and then turned to the rest of SG1. "What happened?"
"Colonel O'Neill shot DanielJackson," Teal'c volunteered.
"Thank you!" Jack snapped. "It was an accident. There was a bear. Daniel was in my line of sight..." Jack stopped as Janet gave him a whithering look. Her attention moved to the young man standing with SG1.
"This is Covan," Carter explained. "He is familiar with the thorns and their effect."
The youngster stepped forward and quickly told Janet what he had already told SG1. He produced a handful of unused thorns from a small container and gave them to her. "One thorn is extremely painful," he said, his face wrinkling with memory. "Many must be... agonising. Your people said you have..." He glanced at Carter who supplied the missing word.
"Yes, drugs," Covan continued. "Drugs that take away pain."
Janet nodded. "And other than being painful, these thorns have no other effects?"
"None." Covan replied confidently.
"Good." Janet glanced at SG1, favouring O'Neill with a particularly sour look. "Then if you'll excuse me I'll see what I can do to make Daniel comfortable."
Daniel opened his eyes reluctantly. Slowly the face of Janet Frasier formed into a blurred image before him.
"Daniel? How are you feeling?"
He considered for a long moment. "Cold."
Frasier smiled. "I'll get the heating turned up."
An unpleasant thought crept into Daniel's mind as the fog of anaesthetic began to release it's grip. "Am I...?"
Janet nodded. "As the day you were born. The thorns are slowly coming to the surface. Seems they are attracted by natural light. Sorry. The treatment is one of the more unusual I have encountered..."
Daniel blushed bright red, reached for the pillow in front of him and pulled it over his head. "How long have I been out?" His voice was muffled by the bedding.
"Pretty much two days. Covan, the young boy that came back with you, said the drug in the thorns should've worn off by now. So I eased back on the painkillers. Are you comfortable?"
Daniel pushed the pillow away and nodded weakly. Then another thought crossed his mind. "How long have I got to be... you know?"
"Another two days."
He groaned at the thought. "Couldn't you just knock me out until it's over?"
Janet squeezed his shoulder sympathetically. "Sorry. But I will do all I can to make life as bearable... I mean as pleasant as possible."
"Great," Daniel muttered. "Just great."
"Daniel, Colonel O'Neill is here to see you." Janet popped her head around the curtains surrounding Daniel's bed.
The scientist responded by waving an arm at her in a defensive manner. "No visitors," he said firmly.
"No, Janet. I don't want to see anyone."
A deep voice interrupted. "Geez Daniel. I've brought gifts and everything." Determined not to be fobbed off, Jack slid round Janet and planted himself firmly in the chair by Daniel's bed.
Daniel opened one eye, groaned in disgust and closed it again. "Go away, Jack."
"What and leave you wallowing in self-pity? Errr... nope!" Jack took in the scene before him and he bit hard on his lip, trying not to laugh. Daniel was lying on his stomach completely naked with two large natural light lamps trained over his lower back and behind. Janet had already warned him not to embarrass the young man, and threatened dire consequences if he did so. Remembering Janet's sharp reminder about Daniel's dignity, O'Neill pushed several wisecracks from his mind and laid his peace offering on the bedside table where Daniel could see them.
"I brought you roses."
Daniel snorted, knowing that Jack was setting him up. "Go on. Say it!"
O'Neill had the grace to look vaguely ashamed as he admitted, "Yeah. They're thornless. Asked for them specially."
"Jack if you've just come to torment me further, please go."
"No. Really. Look Daniel. You can't imagine how bad I feel about this."
"How bad you feel?" Daniel's tone dripped sarcasm. "Jack, I'm lying here stark naked with two spotlights trained on my rear. Most, if not all of Janet's nursing staff have found some excuse to visit me, and apparently there is a sweepstake to see who gets the privilege of pulling the thorns out of my backside in two days time. I don't really give a damn about how *you* feel."
O'Neill waited out the diatribe, his expression one of acceptance at Daniel's abrasion. There was a long minute of silence before he spoke. "Sorry."
Daniel sighed heavily, realising he sounded like a petulant child. "No. I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault. I should've hit the deck."
"No. No. I shouldn't have expected you to react that fast. I mean we were pretty relaxed back there. You know, when we're in the middle of action, you're so tight with the military stuff now... I just forgot that... You know. When the pressure is off and all. And you're in professor mode..." O'Neill's voice died away before he repeated himself once more. "I'm really sorry."
Daniel smiled at the muddled and somewhat back-handed compliment. "It's OK Jack. Just promise me one thing - that I won't be the butt of any more jokes."
O'Neill looked at him, his face beautifully confused. Despite himself Daniel couldn't keep a straight face any longer. "Sorry! Sorry! That was mean."
"You know what, Jackson." O'Neill recovered himself quickly. "You have too much damn cheek!"
Daniel snickered. "Well, when you get to the bottom of things..."
Two days later...
Janet was studying her red-faced patient's anatomy with approval. "Well Daniel. You'll be pleased to know that the lamps have done their work. I think we can remove these little beggars quite easily now."
"Oh great!" Daniel sounded less than enthusiastic. "So who won the sweepstake?"
Janet smiled. "Oh I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. First though I'm going to give you a shot of local anaesthetic."
Daniel twisted round trying to see Janet's face for some clue as to just how humiliating the next event was going to be. Instead he caught sight of the hypodermic needle in her hand, and what seemed like an unnecessarily large dose of anaesthetic. Groaning quietly, he closed his eyes, rested his forehead on the pillow in front of him, and submitted to the shot.
"There you go." Janet said cheerfully swabbing the site.
As Daniel opened his eyes, he frowned at the pile of bright pink paper tickets that had appeared on his bedside table.
"Hello." The two-tone musical intonation was Jack's. He moved into Daniel's line of vision - a pair of tweezers in one hand, a small metal basin in the other.
"Jack?" Daniel wasn't sure whether to be pleased or horrified.
"That's the name," O'Neill said with a small smile. "And I hope you appreciate how much it cost me to buy all those sweepstake tickets. I even had to pay double for some of them!"
"You brought them all?"
"Every last one. Figured the least I could do was spare you the humiliation of Janet's nurses. Of course..." Jack eyed the tweezers uncertainly. "You might not actually think this is a favour..."
Daniel grinned and rested his head on the pillow in front of him. "You know I figured Janet was a bit generous with the anaesthetic."
The following day...
"Brought you a present." Jack slid into the infirmary chair by Daniel's bed and tossed a large, brightly wrapped gift on to the anthropologist's lap.
"Another one?" Daniel grinned as he tackled the gift wrap although the softness of the package was a dead give away of its contents. "A cushion?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Figured it might be useful now you're sitting up." O'Neill pointed at the picture embroidered on the front. "Like it?"
"Sleeping Beauty's castle?" Daniel looked confused as he read the caption embroidered along the bottom. "Oh very funny. Surrounded by thorn bushes for a hundred years. What a thought!" He leaned over the edge of the bed and retrieved a gift wrapped package from behind the bedside table. "Got you one too!"
"Really?" O'Neill's face lit up like a small boys and then he frowned. "I'm not going to like this am I?"
Daniel grinned. "Open it!"
Sighing dramatically, Jack tore off the paper. "A dartboard?"
"Thought you could use the practice."
"Practice! Like I couldn't whip your butt..." O'Neill stopped an embarrassed look on his face. Then he laughed, "Right! Practice!" He pulled the board from its box and propped it at the end of Daniel's bed. "Best of three. Loser buys dinner. Deal?"
Daniel took the darts and made himself as comfortable as possible. "Deal!"
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