Daniels Diaries. Stargate SG-1 Fanfiction by Scribe
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The Wedding

An untold tale from the Diary of Dr Daniel Jackson

 

All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

 

 

What you need to know is:

This is a fluffy piece of silliness written to celebrate the wedding of Doctor Beth. There are minor spoilers for Broca Divide. There is also grutuitous removal of clothes from Doctor Jackson and Colonel O'Neill.


"A wedding invitation?" Jack asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise as he took his seat at the briefing table.

He was running late thanks to a lab technician who had somehow managed to fill corridor C with foul-smelling, but non-toxic, chemical fumes. Faced with holding his breath and making a run through the corridor or taking the scenic route, he'd glanced at his watch and decided he'd still get to the briefing before Daniel, even if he went up to the surface and down again. The archaeologist consistently ran to a schedule ten minutes behind the rest of the SGC. Of course, today being the kind of day it was shaping up to be, Daniel had gone against that trend and been on time. Not only on time, but already in full overly enthusiastic Daniel-babble mode. Jack poured himself a coffee, sat back in his chair and waited for Daniel to run out of steam.

"It's an incredible opportunity," Daniel eventually concluded, pinning Jack with a look that was both pleading and challenging. "I never imagined we'd stumble across a Minoan society. To be offered the chance to not only witness one of their key celebrations, but to actually attend as honoured guests. Jack --" Daniel's expressive hands sliced through the air. "This is just…"

"Incredible?" Jack offered.

"Yes!" Daniel turned to General Hammond. "I appreciate attending a wedding doesn't exactly reflect the standing orders of the SGC, but to bypass the opportunity to interact with this culture at this level…" He stopped to draw in breath, the desperate excitement on his face as eloquent as his words.

"You don't have to convince me, Doctor Jackson." General Hammond managed to get a sentence in before Daniel launched into further argument for the return mission to the Land of Light. "I am happy to authorise this mission as long as Colonel O'Neill agrees."

Daniel immediately redirected the full force of his appeal. "Jack, please?!"

A wedding? Jack sighed inwardly. Making nice with a bunch of natives was hardly what he'd come out of retirement for. He studied Daniel's face for a long moment. Oh crap! The archaeologist looked like a teenager who was really, really hoping, but didn't really dare believe, that he was about to get his first sexual experience. Without thinking about what he was doing, Jack's gaze dropped to Daniel's crotch as he remembered how Makepeace had recently taunted him about SG-1's field ability, particularly given that Daniel was the only person he knew who could get his rocks off looking at rocks. Makepeace had apparently found his play on words extremely funny, and it was probably just as well that Daniel's pants were too baggy to provide the required evidence either here or out in the field.

"Jack?" Daniel breathed his name in a rush of fearful anticipation, apparently unaware of Jack's trip into the gutter.

"Well.." Jack said, jerking his gaze upwards and feeling heat rise up his neck. He knew only too well what rumours Makepeace would spread if he were caught openly studying his teammate's physical assets. "To be honest…"

Daniel tilted his head, wincing in expectation of disappointment. Jack felt his stomach clench as the lights above the briefing table emphasised the telltale shadow of a healing bruise on Daniel's jaw. It didn't matter how much Doctor Fraiser reassured Jack he hadn't been himself, he still felt responsible for beating the crap out of Daniel while that damn alien 'Touched' virus was in his blood. He knew too that the bruises on Daniel's face weren't the only ones on his body. Daniel's clothes covered a kaleidoscope of yellow and purple from where the Touched had tried to finish what Jack had started.

Crap! Refusing to let Daniel have his way with this mission would be like kicking him all over again. Given how guilty he felt, Jack wasn't sure he could've refused Daniel anything right now. Well, maybe not the keys to his car, but anything else.

"Okay, Cinderella," he said softly. "You can go to the ball."

He was rewarded by a smile cutting across Daniel's features, an occurrence that was far too rare in his opinion. Which, he reasoned, was all the more reason to spend a couple of days letting Daniel do something he enjoyed. After all Daniel hadn't had much to smile about since his wife had been snatched from Abydos.

"O'Neill," Teal'c's rich tone sounded from the far end of the briefing table. "Am I right to assume the name Cinderella refers to another fictional female character similar to Lucy?"

Jack nodded. "Kinda. Yes."

Teal'c turned to Daniel. "Do not worry, Daniel Jackson. O'Neill has explained to me that using such names is intended to be humorous." His gaze swept Daniel from head to foot. "Rest assured that you could not be mistaken for a woman, despite the length of your hair."

Jack bit his lip to stifle a laugh as Daniel blinked at Teal'c. "Ummm… thanks. I think." Eyebrows dancing, Daniel gathered up his papers, shooting both Teal'c and Jack a puzzled look. He glanced towards the general. "With your permission, Sir? I have a lot of background reading I need to do before I leave."

Hammond nodded his assent and Daniel hurried from the room, unaware of Jack's whispered aside to Teal'c. "You know, seeing how he's so interested in alien cultures, maybe you could introduce him to the joys of baldness."

"Colonel O'Neill," General Hammond's tone was somewhat sharp, as he pointedly ran his hand over his own head. "Unless you have anything of importance to add to the discussion, I think this briefing is over."

Jack winced. "Yes, sir. I mean, no sir. I mean…"

"Dismissed!"

****************

As Daniel stepped out of the Stargate a wave of apprehension caught at him along with the memory of being captured by the Touched. His right hand subconsciously moved to his chest, rubbing at the spot on his ribcage where the bruise from a particularly hard kick was still painful. His eyes swept the small crowd gathered in front of the 'gate as he warily looked for any familiar face from those dark hours before the virus had finally gotten its grip on him and he'd become Touched too.

"Welcome, my Lords!" Tupelo, the city elder and Malosha's father, stepped forward and bowed low. "We are once again honoured by your presence.

"It's good to be back," Jack replied, nodding his head in acknowledgement of Tupelo's obeisance.

"Come. Come." Tupelo beckoned to a young woman standing a few paces behind him. "Here is the bride." Tupelo's gaze swept passed Jack to Daniel. "You remember my daughter, Doctor Jackson?"

Daniel felt heat creep up his neck. Oh yes. He remembered Malosha. He'd been caught by the Touched trying to help the attractive young woman after her family had cast her out. Quite what happened after that, he wasn't sure. Jack had made some comment about the two of them being quite cosy when SG-1 had finally come to his rescue. He just hoped he hadn't done anything he might regret under normal circumstances. He dismissed that line of thinking hurriedly, knowing there was nothing he could do to undo the past. They were here to celebrate Malosha's wedding, and she looked radiant with happiness. Clearly she wasn't dwelling on what they may or may not have done in the forest. Unless, of course… Daniel felt himself pale as he realised the wedding invitation hadn't specifically mentioned a bridegroom.

"Doctor Jackson. Thank you for coming." Malosha bowed before him. "I have looked forward to your return for many nights."

"Ummm…" Daniel bobbed his head in embarrassment. "Thank you. I trust… you are well?" He winced at his words. Great, Daniel. Stun her with your eloquence.

Fortunately Malosha seemed unaware of his awkwardness. She smiled warmly at him. "Yes. I am very well." She turned towards the gathered group and beckoned. "There is someone I wish to introduce to you. This is Masha, my betrothed."

Phew! Daniel blew out a relieved breath, then blinked as a tall, well-muscled young man stepped forward. At six foot, Daniel wasn't small, but Masha had a good six inches of additional height. Not to mention arms that looked like they could snap Daniel in two. Daniel swallowed apprehensively as a second unwelcome thought assailed him and he warily searched the man's face for signs of hostility. "Ummm… nice to meet you." He held out his hand.

Masha bowed, studying the proffered hand curiously as he straightened. "I wish to thank you for saving Malosha." He shot the young woman such an affectionate look, Daniel was left in no doubt that Masha was besotted with his bride-to-be. "Had you not been with her, this most happy of days may not have occurred."

"Ummm… right. You're welcome," Daniel replied, his eyebrows dancing nervously at the potential definitions of having *been* with Malosha. He really hoped he wasn't confessing to something that was going to earn him a fresh set of bruises.

To his relief, Masha merely inclined his head reverentially. "Doctor Jackson, I would be honoured if you would act as my Bond during the Ceremony of Union?" He turned towards Jack. "I would make the request also of you, Colonel O'Neill."

"Your Bond?" Daniel asked.

Tupelo inched forward. "A bridegroom chooses one or more male companions to stand by his side during the wedding ceremony as physical demonstrations of the Bond into which he is inviting the bride to enter."

Jack shot him a concerned look. "Forgive me, Tupelo, I know this is a wedding and all, but I get a bit jittery about ceremonies I'm not familiar with. This Bond thing, it doesn't involve anything… painful, does it?"

Tupelo frowned. "Do not be alarmed, Colonel. The role of a Bond is purely one of visual reinforcement of the meaning of union."

Jack hesitated a moment and then shrugged at Daniel, who was waiting anxiously on his decision.

"We'd love to," Daniel said, turning back to Masha.

As Malosha stepped forward smiling and slid beneath Masha's waiting arm, Tupelo clapped his hand together in excitement. "Excellent!" He gestured to some of the waiting crowd, summoning several men. "There is much to do before the ceremony. I suggest we get started." He turned back to Daniel and Jack. "Please. Go with these men. They will help you prepare. Captain Carter. Teal'c. Perhaps you might care for some refreshment. We have a long day ahead of us."

*****************

"Well, this I can live with," Jack said with a sigh as he stepped into a large, deep bath filled with warm fragrant water.

He and Daniel had been taken to a large chamber containing a communal bath, three steam rooms, and a plunge pool. It was the kind of spa people happily paid big bucks for back on Earth. After working their way through the steam rooms, each one progressively hotter than the one before, but tempered by a brief dip in the icy plunge pool, they'd been invited to partake of the main bath.

Jack sighed as Daniel headed from the plunge pool, his arms wrapped around his chest in response to the extreme cold, but his mouth still producing a babble of words. It was like bathing with the academic-equivalent of the energiser bunny.

"This is amazing," Daniel said the hundredth time. "Ceremonial cleansing rituals such as these are…"

"Daniel!" Jack raised a finger. To his surprise, the babble of words cut off instantly. Excellent, he'd just found Daniel's off switch. "I know you think you've died and gone to archaeologist heaven, but just can it with the lecture mode, will you? This is a hot tub. It's designed for relaxation. And I, for one, want to enjoy it."

Daniel shot him a sour look as he joined Jack in the water. "I was just going to say…" He winced as Jack's eyebrows raised in warning, an expression Jack knew was mirrored on his own face as he got yet another close-up view of the bruises on Daniel's body.

"What?" Daniel asked.

"Nothing," Jack lied, once again shoved his feelings of guilt into a dark corner as Daniel ducked into the water and moved to his side, copying his pose - arms stretched along the side of the bath, head tilted back, his body supported by the water.

"Ahhhhh!" Daniel breathed out his appreciation.

"Exactly!" Jack replied, closing his eyes and enjoying the soothing effect of the water on his body. If only all missions could be like this. All too soon, though, the sound of soft footfalls jerked him out of the relaxed frame of mind he'd drifted into.

"Daniel!" he hissed as he opened his eyes and found himself looking at two women carrying an array of bowls.

"What?" Daniel jerked his head up, having apparently dozed off due to verbal exhaustion. "Oh."

The two women stopped at the edge of the bath and bowed before the younger one spoke. "I am Beth and this is my mother, Bevia. We are here to help you prepare for the wedding. Please… come…" She held out her hand, clearly inviting them to leave the sanctuary of the water.

"Well, that's very nice of you, ladies" Jack replied quickly, scanning the area for anything that looked remotely like a towel. "But ummm… we can probably manage without your help."

Beth and Bevia exchanged puzzled looks. "But my Lords…"

"Jack." Daniel's tone was admonishing. "When in Rome…"

"Daniel." Jack snapped back. "In case it's escaped your attention, we're buck naked in this water."

"Yes, I know that. But I suspect nudity is not a cultural taboo here."

"Well that may be so, but where I come from a gentleman doesn't go displaying his wares to strange women who wander uninvited into his bathroom."

Daniel shook his head and began to move towards the steps. "If you've got a problem with nudity Jack get over it fast. Trust me - these people will be more offended by your puritan modesty than the sight of your…"

"I don't have a problem with nudity!" Jack interrupted, pushing away from the side of the bath. He glowered at Daniel as the archaeologist shot him a sceptical look. "I don't! I just have a problem with other people… with women… well actually women I don't know…" he blew out an exasperated breath. "Oh never mind."

He climbed out of the bath, trying to ignore both Daniel's smirk and the fact that the older woman not only didn't have a problem with nudity - his nudity, thank you very much - she was quite clearly checking him out. He felt heat burn up the back of his neck, but his look of appeal in Daniel's direction was ignored; the archaeologist was already in conversation with the younger woman.

"It is time for the Ritual of Hirsu," Bevia announced, taking Jack's hand and drawing him towards the bowls.

"The Ritual of Hirsu being..?" he enquired, eyeing the bowls suspiciously and looking towards Daniel.

"Ummm… I think they want to shave us," Daniel said. "Hirsu as in hirsute as in hair."

"Well I guess that's okay then," Jack replied.

"Ahh… well… ahhhh!" Daniel's blew out a shocked breath as Beth whisked a soap-covered brush across his chest. "I think they have more in mind than just our chins in."

"What!" Jack took a step backwards as Bevia picked up an evil-looking blade in one hand and a soapy brush in the other. "No way."

Unfortunately Daniel was back in historical heaven. "But, Jack, this is even more fascinating than the bathing. The ancient Egyptian priests always removed all their body hair before entering the most holy part of the temple. That such a practice should have evolved into a wedding ceremony in a culture that's…"

"Daniel. I don't give a fig about ancient cultures. Baldness is not a look I intend to embrace for another twenty years at least." He took another step backwards, teetering dangerously on the edge of the bath, and raised his hands at Bevia. "Back off, lady."

Daniel meanwhile was conversing with Beth. "It's okay, Jack, your hairstyle is safe. They only want to remove our other body hair."

"And that's meant to make me feel better, is it, Daniel? Have you seen that razorblade?"

"Jack relax. Please. I'm sure they're very skilled."

"I don't care how skilled they are…"He glanced towards Daniel, who was apparently questioning Beth. "Daniel?"

The look Daniel gave him reminded him of the expressions his mother used to employ - this one being a blend of tolerant exasperation. "She says she's shaved fifty men and has never once drawn blood." Daniel paused, tilting his head towards Beth. "She also says her mother taught her everything she knows and is even more skilled."

Jack opened his mouth to protest, but Beth beat him to it, saying something to Daniel that made the archaeologist snort with laughter.

"What?!" Jack demanded.

Daniel swallowed his amusement. "Ummm… loosely translated… she thinks you're a chicken."

"A chicken? Does she now!" Jack glowered at the pair of them. "I'll have you know the United States Air Force does not employ chickens." He turned to Bevia. "I'm all yours. And so help you, Jackson, if I get so much as a nick…!"

****************

Never mind chickens, Jack now knew exactly how a Christmas Turkey felt. Every inch of his skin, from his toes right up to the hairline of his military cut, was completely bald. He peered down at himself - yep, every inch. If this didn't rate as the most embarrassing mission of his entire life, he didn't know what did. His only consolation was that Daniel had suffered the same treatment. Not that Daniel looked a whole lot different given how fair his body hair was - well apart from in one particular area, of course.

"Jack O'Neill, are you checking me out?" Daniel asked, amusement in his voice.

"No!" Jack tore his eyes away from his teammate's body. "I was just… Damn it, Daniel. What's next? A little slow basting? Or are they just going to go straight to wrapping us in foil and putting us in the oven?"

"Actually… I have no idea, but I think we're about to find out." Daniel nodded towards the doorway and the arrival of two men with another set of bowls and brushes.

"Hi guys." Jack called. "Is it basting time?"

"Jack!" Daniel hissed in protest.

"Sorry." Jack mumbled, not meaning it in the slightest. He peered into the bowls one of the men set before him. Each one was filled with a thick coloured paste - black, red, blue, green, yellow. "Thank you, but I've already eaten."

Daniel lifted one of the brushes from a nearby bowl and sniffed at its tip. He wrinkled his nose. "I think it's paint."

"Yes, yes," the taller of the two men said. "We write the bonds now."

Daniel's eyebrows raised and he glanced around the empty bathroom. "Where exactly are you going to write them?"

"Here." The man prodded Daniel's bare chest. "And here." A finger poked his thigh. The man grinned. "Everywhere."

"Daniel," Jack's voice was a sing-song of barely veiled menace. "When we get back to Earth, remind me to put your name on the rota for latrine cleaning…" He glared at his teammate. "Permanently."

***************

Oh boy! Sam had been expecting the wedding party to make a grand entrance, but never in her wildest imagination had she expected to witness quite such a spectacle. Malosha, of course, looked radiantly beautiful. The young woman was dressed in a fabulous gown of crimson silk. Her hair was intricately bound into a fabulous display of ringlets and fresh flowers and her make-up brought out the very best of her fragile beauty. She was absolutely stunning.

At her side was Masha - his tall, muscular figure enhanced by a gold tunic and enough jewellery to have purchased a small country. His face was also adorned with make-up, but nothing detracted from the love for Malosha that shone through his expression.

The bride and groom were without doubt stunning, but what really had Sam's attention was the sight of Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson. Both men were clothed in nothing except brightly coloured paint. Their entire bodies, from toe to hairline, were decorated with images of the fertility gods of Tupelo's people - the female snake and the male bull, as well as the pseudo-Phoenician script that had Daniel in paroxysms of ecstasy when he'd first discovered it because it provided yet another evolution between Linear A and Greek. The colours - shades of red, green, blue, black and gold - were so vivid that at first glance Sam almost missed the fact the two men were nude. Only when her eyes followed a particularly interesting image trailing from Colonel's O'Neill's left shoulder, down over his chest and stomach and then lower still, did she suddenly realise the truth. As a rush of heat shot up her neck and into her cheeks, she'd been forced to clap a hand over her mouth to stop herself exclaiming out loud. Oh boy. Oh boy! What a sight.

"Ummmm… Teal'c," Sam somehow managed to make her voice sound at its normal pitch, despite the fact she could barely believe what her eyes were seeing. "I just need to get something from my pack."

"Major Carter, the ceremony is about to begin." Teal'c's tone was disapproving.

"I know," she squeaked, earning herself a raised eyebrow from the Jaffa. "I'll be right back, I promise."

*******************

"Great outfits," Sam greeted Daniel and Colonel O'Neill as she joined them at the banquet.

"Isn't this amazing!" Daniel was apparently totally oblivious to the fact he was stark naked beneath the paintwork, although at least the low table he was sitting at was now ensuring Sam didn't need to avert her eyes from any particularly interesting… pictographs. He raised his left arm and used his right hand to point at the writing that spiralled round his forearm. "I've managed to work out some of what it says. It's part of the wedding vows Malosha and her new husband exchanged. This bit here says, 'may our souls be entwined forever, breath upon breath, my lips upon yours'".

Sam smiled as Daniel twisted first his arm, then his head, trying to follow the curl of writing. "That's beautiful," she said, softly.

"There's an even better bit down on my hip, only I can't quite see what it says because it curves up and over my…"

Colonel O'Neill's voice was sharp as Daniel began to stand up. "Daniel!"

"W…w…what?" Daniel shot him a confused look, earning a glare in return.

"I don't think Carter needs the full frontal display."

"What?" Realisation dawned and Daniel hurriedly sat down again. "Sorry."

"It's alright, Daniel," Sam replied with a nonchalant shrug. "Male nudity doesn't bother me. I grew up with a brother, remember."

The colonel's glare transferred to her. "It may not bother you Carter, but I can't wait to get the hell of here. That woman, what was her name? Bevia? I get the distinct feeling she's looking for some bedtime reading!" He picked up the wine glass in front of him and took a large swallow. "Daniel, next time you get the urge to take part in some alien ceremony, please make sure I'm on a different planet."

Daniel sighed. "Who would've thought it. Jack O'Neill, the body shy."

"I am *not* body shy. I just don't appreciate…" Jack raised his hands and gestured in exasperation as he searched for the right words. "Being turned into a Jason Pollack artwork. A *naked* Jason Pollack artwork."

Daniel looked heavenward, shaking his head. "No appreciation of the beauty of art," he said addressing Sam.

She smirked. "I think this is the point at which I should decline to comment and leave you two alone," she replied, tilting her glass at Daniel in salute. "Enjoy the rest of the banquet."

"You too, Carter," Jack called after her, his tone snarky. "Hope someone spikes your drink with that stuff from P3-whatever it was. Then we'll see who's laughing at who!"

***********************

"No. No. No!" Jack backed away from Daniel, his gaze fixed on the video camera in Daniel's hand. "Did I mention no?!"

The wedding banquet had finally drawn to a close, and Jack had made straight for the bathroom.

"Jack, please."

"Daniel, exactly what is it about the word 'no' that isn't getting through to you?"

"Look. I promise I won't video your face. Nobody needs to know…"

"No! Get the message, will ya? Non. Nyet. Laa! Nan-nay!" Jack snorted as Daniel retaliated with his patented 'kicked puppy-dog' look. "Ain't going to work, Jackson. Those blue eyes of yours may slay dragons at five hundred paces, but this paint job makes me totally immune."

The look morphed into the patented Jackson pout, something Jack was also immune to. Daniel, however, was not yet ready to let the issue drop. Jack almost burst out laughing as the archaeologist batted his eyelashes at him. Was there no depth to which Daniel wasn't prepared to go to get his own way? The eyelash batting was accompanied by an appeal that Jack decided really deserved the appellation 'desperate grovel'.

"Okay, look," Daniel said, with that ghost of a smile of his that seemed to turn women to putty, but which Jack was so not going to give in to. "I'll do whatever it takes to get you to agree. I'll even dig the latrine on every mission for the next six months."

"The next year more like," Jack retorted.

Daniel licked his lips nervously and nodded. "Okay, the next year."

"And?" Jack demanded.

"And?" Daniel's eyebrows shot up. "You want more than that?"

"Oh yes, Danny-boy. If I'm going to pose naked for your camera, I'm going to need a hell of a lot more payback than latrine digging."

Daniel blew out a long breath, clearly racking his brain trying to come up with something suitable to offer. Finally, desperation colouring his tone, he snapped. "God, I don't know, Jack. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it."

Jack could barely keep a smirk off his face at the prospect of life with Daniel Jackson as his personal slave. Mind you, the idea of Daniel doing what he asked just once would be refreshing in itself. "Okay…" he said slowly. "Let me see, what I want is… " His gaze returned to the video camera in Daniel's hand and he shook his head. "Nope, the truth is Daniel, you'd have to sell your body to me before I allow you to video me dressed in nothing but plant dye."

Daniel's jaw dropped open and for a moment it appeared he was seriously considering the proposal. Jack felt his mouth go dry as the thought he might've just discovered how far Daniel really was prepared to go in the interests of scientific research, but, to his immense relief, Daniel finally clicked his jaws shut and blinked at Jack as though suddenly waking from a daydream. Seconds later, Daniel opened his mouth again, this time in full lecture mode. "Actually, Jack, the red colour comes from insects and the blue is from…"

"Ah!" Jack raised his finger. "I don't need to know!" He turned his back on Daniel. "I'm hitting the bath. And Daniel…" He glanced back over his shoulder at the archaeologist who was, just as he suspected, raising the camera to his eye. "Don't even think of filming my butt."

Defeated, Daniel lowered the camera again. "Call yourself a child of the sixties."

"Seventies, Daniel. It was the seventies. Long hair, platform shoes and glitter. Lots of glitter." He was nearly out of the door as he added, "And absolutely no nudity."

***************************

Back at the SGC, Daniel was trying to summon up some enthusiasm for the artefacts he was studying from the Land of Light. Trying but failing. He still couldn't believe Jack had refused to let him record his body art for study. He sighed heavily. He'd been able to record the art on his own body with Teal'c's help, but the artwork on Jack had been designed as a counterpoint to his. With only one set it was like only having half a book, incomplete and unsatisfying. "Damn it!"

"Daniel?" He jerked round to find Sam standing in his doorway. She smiled questioningly, and he beckoned her in. "Something not going well?"

Shit. He'd obviously sworn out loud. "Ummm… actually, no it's fine." He gestured towards the artefact. "In fact, it's more than fine. It's just…"

"You're still ticked the colonel wouldn't let you video him, right?"

Daniel gave her rueful smile. He hadn't realised he was so easy to read. "Yeah." The word came out in a weary breath.

"Well…" Sam raised her eyebrows, a mischievous glint in her eye. "I have something you may be interested in."

"Oh?" Daniel tilted his head to one side, wondering what she was up to.

"You've heard Janet and I are responsible for charity fund-raising this month?"

"Yes." Daniel's heart sank. Apparently the SGC had never heard of pay-role giving. Each month different people volunteered to act as fund-raisers for the SGC's pet charity. Since returning from Abydos, he'd felt obliged to pay out for a box of inedible cookies courtesy of General Hammond's grandchildren, an incomprehensible book entitled 101 Uses for a Large Wrench compiled by Sergeant Siler and a set of doughboy marines baked and hand-painted by two of the catering staff, although the latter had come in useful on the target range.

"Well, " Sam was still smiling. "The catering staff raised $750 last month, but we think we can do better than that." She produced a small, oblong package from behind her back and waved it at him.

"What is it?"

"It's a wedding video," Sam replied. "All yours for a mere… thousand dollars."

"One thousand dollars?" Daniel spluttered. "For a wedding video?"

"Not just any wedding video," Sam replied. "This contains exclusive footage of a certain airforce colonel at a recent interplanetary social gathering."

Daniel's eyes widened. "You didn't?!"

Sam simply smiled innocently. "Of course, I appreciate that *your* interest is purely academic." She held the tape out, waving it back and forth in a hypnotic rhythm.

"One thousand dollars?" Daniel winced, as his eyes followed the motion of the tape. He licked his lips nervously. He didn't have a lot of spare cash at the moment - the airforce beancounters had dragged their heels over putting someone who had been 'dead' for the past year on the payroll then, when he had finally been paid, most of the money had gone on renting and furnishing an apartment, and putting down a deposit on a car.

"It's an exclusive," Sam added casually.

"One thousand dollars," Daniel repeated bleakly, realising the chances of recouping the money via expenses was minimal given he'd need Jack's signature on the paperwork.

Daniel licked his lips in anticipation. "You got everything?"

"Everything."

"Front and back?"

"In close up."

Daniel shook his head, desperate for the footage, but still balking at the price. Maybe Teal'c would loan him the money until the next pay day. "I don't know. A thousand dollars…"

"That's okay," Sam shrugged nonchalantly. "If you don't want it Janet has reassured me her nurses will be queuing up to buy copies. After all, Colonel O'Neill isn't the only video star."

"Captain Carter! You… you… you wouldn't!" Daniel could hardly believe his ears, as he rapidly reassessed just how competitive Sam was."

"Just doing my bit for charity," Sam replied as she moved towards the door, tapping the videotape against her hip as she walked. "Going…"

"A thousand dollars?!"

"Going…"

An incoherent squawk from Daniel stopped her in his tracks.

She glanced over her shoulder and smiled sweetly. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

Daniel raised his hands in defeat "You'll take a cheque, right?"

Sam grinned and tossed him the tape. "Gone!"

 


 

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