Every square inch
All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Title: Every Square Inch
Category: Humor, I hope.
Season/Spoiler: None, spoiler free zone
Summary: Uhm, Jack. Naked…and wet. Do I really need to say more?
Author´s Notes: Just a bit of complete silliness, obviously spawned by the JackNaked threads of late… All flaws are mine and mine alone, as I´ve carelessly gone without a beta yet again. Shame on me!
“Teal’c, it was just a joke!” Jack called after the rapidly retreating man. He took one step to follow after Teal’c, hesitating when he considered just what an angry Jaffa could do to a person, even a best friend type person. Or former best friend, he amended.
“Jack, you do know that joke isn’t particularly funny to the person it’s played on, right?”
“Daniel’s right, sir. You stooped all the way down to Major Feretti’s level there.”
For crying out loud, it was just a stupid joke! He never would have pegged Teal´c for being overly sensitive, but watching the other man storm away was evidence he had been very, very wrong. Without question, he was going to have to tread lightly around his friend for the rest of the day. Thank God they were due back home in a few short hours – both because of the newly developed Teal´c situation, and because he was bored out of his skull. It really wasn´t his fault he´d had to find a means to entertain himself. This planet, with all its scientific and cultural marvels, was occupied by the most boring people he´d ever met. White bread and mayonnaise were lively in comparison.
“Please, Carter. That was nowhere *near* Feretti’s level. Do you think I should go after him?”
“Uhm, no, I’d give it a few minutes,” Daniel instantly said, sounding suspiciously as though he was on the verge of smiling. “Teal’c will cool down, Jack. Eventually.”
Cool down; that reminded him. There was one redeeming quality about this place – they had *great* showers. The most perfect water pressure and temperature regulation he´d ever encountered. And the soap? Soap was too ugly a word to describe how completely fabulous that stuff was. Daniel said the people made it from scratch, infusing it with various invigorating aromatic plants that were believed to boost energy and morale. From what Jack had experienced, they weren´t exaggerating. It would be foolish of him not to take advantage one last time, wouldn´t it? Humming happily, he could already feel the warm spray beating into his tense muscles. Yes, a shower was just what he needed to relax and figure out a way to make it up to Teal´c.
“You’re right, Daniel,” Jack agreed. “You two say your goodbyes and get ready to go. I’ll just be a few minutes.”
“What about Teal’c, sir?”
“Oh, if you see him, just tell him we’re heading out. I’ll
try to do the same, unless he refuses to acknowledge my presence.”
Carter and Daniel nodded up at him, already busily loading up their packs and chattering away together. Smiling, he sauntered toward the communal bathhouse and hoped it was empty. Jack was by no means modest about his body, but for some reason wanted his last shower here to be unencumbered with having to exercise restraint. Not that he was an exhibitionist – he just occasionally liked to bask in the luxury and let his hair down. So to speak. Utilitarian scrub downs were the customary MO back at the SGC, and he was happy he could forego the locker room scene after this particular mission. Teal´c could be damned intimidating even to him, not something he´d EVER admit…
Poking his head through the door, Jack was pleased to find he´d got his wish. Not a soul was to be found in any of the shower stalls, and there were plenty of towels lining the shelves. The sun´s rays beat down on the glass ceiling, warming the tiled room pleasantly and providing soft, natural light. Humming again, he swiftly stripped out of his clothes and stood buck naked in all his glory. He ran a hand down his chest and stopped it over his navel, which he lazily scratched as he loped to the center stall, lit the most brightly by the sunlight. It was the bar none the best shower in the place, he´d discovered. And he´d tried them all a couple of times, despite Daniel´s vocal concerns that he was developing a dangerous shower fetish.
Turning on the water, Jack immediately stepped into the deluge. God, how great was it he didn´t even have to let it run to warm up? He stood under the spray, closing his eyes to just revel in the feeling for a minute or two. Already his muscles were limbering up, and he stretched his arms wide, sticking his chest out. Heaven. Carter and Daniel may have a million reasons to keep relations open here, but for him if they could obtain the technology used to create *this* back at the SGC, that would be enough. Reaching for the soap dispenser, he filled his palm with an exorbitant amount of the stuff and wondered if he could find a way to sneak some of it back with him. He lifted it to his nose and took a deep breath before setting to work.
He started at his feet and legs, slowly massaging the soap in as if to prolong the magic. Next, he quickly washed his hair, got his back out of the way, and finally concentrated on his chest and arms. As he rubbed his fingers through his chest hair, he began first to hum, then sing quietly. “Fascinating new thing, you delight me and I know you´re speaking of me…” Out of soap after an extensive cleansing of his chest, Jack pumped some more onto his palm and lathered up his butt and groin. Last, but certainly not least. He laughed quietly then started singing again, “I’m surprised that you’ve never been told before…”
A soft thud he thought had come from somewhere behind him made him abandon his task and look up. Twisting around to see who his company was, Jack found he was still very much the sole occupant of the bathhouse. Shrugging, he refocused his attention to the all-important areas, adding just a touch more soap as he carefully stroked himself clean.
“I’m surprised that you’ve never been told before that you’re priceless and you’re precious even when you are not new,” he sang to his groin, ending with a snicker at how fitting that particular part of the song was for his…parts. If he did say so himself. He may not be supple with youth like Daniel, or buff and muscled like Teal’c but he was in damn fine shape. Every square inch of him.
Rinsing, Jack regretfully turned off the shower and shook his head, droplets of water raining down around him. He stood in the warm sun for a minute before reality reasserted itself. Ah, like most good things, his fun was over too soon. He walked over to the towels and rapidly dried off, donning his clothes and wishing he had clean set to put on. Tossing the used towel into a hamper, he strode out of the building feeling so much more optimistic than when he´d gone in. Teal´c would forgive him for pulling that stunt in his own time, but Jack figured it couldn´t hurt to invite the big guy out for steaks or something. Getting off base for a couple of hours always did wonders for his friend´s disposition.
Whistling his way through the village, Jack found Carter and Daniel exactly where he left them. They simultaneously looked up as he approached, and he blessed them with a huge smile. “Is this a great day or what? You two ready to blow this pop stand?”
“We’ve actually been ready for a while, Jack,” Daniel said unnecessarily. He could see their packs all stuffed with artifacts and samples galore, only needing to be snapped on. “Just waiting for you.”
“Well, I’m here. Let’s go. Did you see Teal’c? Where is he?”
“What do you mean where is he, sir?”
“Pretty much what I just asked. C’mon, let’s go get him and be on our merry way.” Jack frowned at the dumbfounded expressions gawping back. “What?”
“Jack, Teal’c said you told him to head back early. He left about ten minutes ago.”
“Oh, for crying out…I didn’t even see him! And why would I tell him to leave without us?”
“I wondered, sir, but it was Teal’c. He’s well…I don’t ever doubt what he’s saying is true,” Carter nervously tried to cover her backside.
“It could be he’s still mad at you, Jack.”
“Thank you so much for the update, Daniel,” Jack snapped, irritated with Teal’c and taking it out on the archaeologist. “Look, I’ll have a little chat with him when we get back. Let’s go.”
Grabbing his own pack, Jack set off for the ‘gate at a brisk walk. He couldn´t blame Teal´c for being angry, but this was going too far. It didn´t matter if SG1 was on a safe planet – they arrived as a team, and they left as a team. Always. Daniel slid past him, dialing Earth´s coordinates with haste and shooting him nervous glances every couple of seconds. The Stargate bloomed to life, and he wordlessly ushered his team members through with a wave of his arm. Following their hurried departure, he stepped into the wormhole with the makings of a nice lecture already forming in his mind.
Arriving on the other side, Jack made it halfway down the ramp when he realized there was something odd about the reception they were getting. With the exception of Carter and Daniel, every single person in the ‘gateroom had huge smirks on their faces, their attention focused entirely on him. What, did he put his shirt on inside out or something? Puzzled, he stopped and did a quick assessment of himself. Nope, his fly was zipped, everything tucked in where it should be.
“Welcome back, SG1,” Hammond’s voice called from the control room.
Jack glanced up, surprised to see there seemed to be too many people up there. He flicked his gaze up a level, noting the briefing room was also occupied by a crowd of people. “Sir? Did we miss something?”
“Fascinating you should ask that, Colonel,” Hammond dryly
said. “I’m surprised that you’ve never been told before, but things do happen
while you’re off world.”
Oh. Oh, no, no, no. His gut twisted into a dense ball. It couldn´t be. Coincidence, pure and simple.
“I think you’d better join me in the briefing room immediately, Colonel.”
“Yes…sir?” Jack hesitantly responded, nervously looking back to Daniel and Carter, who shrugged back at him. “Kids?”
“Right behind you, sir.”
The stares and smiles continued all the way up to the briefing room, and Jack couldn´t help but wonder why all these people were milling around. He had a really, really bad feeling he already knew. Teal´c´s absence was noticeable, even a little threatening. Jack stepped off the stairs, thankful the general had cleared out the room.
“Have a seat. You may or may not – I’m leaning toward not, by the way – know this, but several minutes ago, Teal’c returned to the SGC claiming you had requested him to do so. He also implied you had something you wished the entire base to see prior to your, Major Carter, and Doctor Jackson’s return. I didn’t question it, and immediately called everyone to attention as he cued up a video to play on every monitor on base.”
Oh, dear God. Jack felt nauseous. Teal´c wouldn´t…
“You can imagine my surprise at what the tape contained,” General Hammond continued, walking to the ever-present monitor in the briefing room and clicking it on.
And there he was, naked as a jaybird. And singing. The angle of the camera made it clear to him the shooter had been above him, likely in one of the trees clustered around the bathhouse. Thank goodness the glass filtered out some of the finer points to his anatomy, even when it expertly zoomed in.
But the entire base had seen this. The entire BASE! Jack felt himself redden as both Carter and Daniel made little squeaking noises. Clearing his throat, he refused to look at them. “Sir, I…”
“I expect you’ll reprimand Teal’c accordingly for pulling this stunt, Colonel. As you typically handle the video camera, Doctor Jackson, I had suspected you were somehow involved. Judging from your expression, you’re as taken aback as the rest of us.”
“Ye-yes, sir,” Daniel stammered. “Jack, I have no idea how he got a hold of the camera without me knowing.”
“Teal’c, Daniel. This is Teal’c we’re talking about,” Jack whispered, lowering his forehead to rest on the tabletop in mortification. So that noise he’d heard in the shower hadn’t been his imagination after all, but probably a branch scraping or a twig falling on the ceiling.
“Major Carter, Doctor Jackson, please report to the infirmary for your post-mission exams. Colonel, Doctor Fraiser informed me it’s abundantly clear to her you are very healthy and there’s no need for her to examine you.”
“Yes, sir.” God, couldn’t he just go find a hole to crawl in? “Where did Teal’c go?”
“Actually, Colonel, I wouldn’t recommend you seek him out quite yet. He gave me another message to relay to you,” the general warmly said. “In his exact words: ‘Tell O’Neill that perhaps he should consider the ramifications of his actions before again deploying a practical joke upon me.’”
He heard Carter and Daniel rise, though he still couldn´t bring himself to look at them. Wrapping his arms over his head, Jack groaned in very real pain. He was never going to live this down. He had to hand it to Teal´c, though. When the other man wanted revenge, he really knew how to deliver the goods. Every square inch of them.
“Guess you shouldn’t have asked Teal’c to pull your finger, huh, Jack?”
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